I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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