Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
