You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
