textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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