I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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