he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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