Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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