so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
