When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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