It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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