You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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