update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
