so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
