Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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