dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
