So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
