Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
