I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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