Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
