The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
