I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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