I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
