what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
