Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
