i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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