You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
17 year olds will be the death of me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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