Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
