Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
