This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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