after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
