Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
