the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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