I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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