I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
