if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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