Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
