I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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