Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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