porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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