he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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