You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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