i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
