He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
