I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
