This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
