cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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