So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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