I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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