Only a mothe r could love this liver
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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