cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
