Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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