I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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