I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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