He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
